Weekend Writing Marathon

 Decided to do something a little different and less bleak today. I'm going to list my favorite books and why. I read a lot, though these days it's admittedly via audible so I can multitask(a bad habit I have yet to shake). I was raised by a librarian and spent all but one of my first 18 years in her care(most of those summers and vacations in her library), it's probably pretty obvious why books and writing play such a major part in my life. I do think my love of storytelling is what saved me from the addictions that trapped most of my siblings. So in a strange way although my guardian was abusive...I think a lot of the things she imparted to me saved my life. It's a very strange place to be, to know you owe your life and a lot of the things that you love- to the person who caused most of your trauma. But it's a large part of the reason why I don't hate her, even now. Anyway, here are the books I love most: 

Shatterpoint by Matthew Stover- It's no longer Canon in the Star Wars universe, strictly classified 'Legends' but it details a story from the viewpoint of the Jedi High Council member Mace Windu. It's set on his homeworld and details the culture he came from in a way that is brutally ornate in description alongside the darker aspects of surviving a war. It also shows a side of the Jedi we don't often see in media, their vulnerabilities (Windu clearly has PTSD and depression) and how these things can be made peace with and become strengths. Stover is one of my all time favorite authors for his opulent characterizations, he does an extreme deep dive into any character he employs and I pick up his books with confidence, knowing it will be a new favorite.


The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan- I don't usually like zombie stories. I don't like the idea of having an excuse to 'brain' your neighbors. It seems like Gore porn a lot of the time to me, even though I like the overall genre of horror. However, the way Ryan portrays the main character's narrative in this story, how she often muses on the identities of the zombies she comes in contact with, and even in the midst of so much despair she humanizes the monsters, the aspect is written to perfection. Some people might take to their new reality with gusto, fighting violently and never giving it much thought- but I think most of us would be exactly like the main character; simply wanting peace, and wondering if these monsters had a name, a family, if they loved someone and if they wish they'd died instead.


Circe by Madeline Miller- This was a hard one for me to get into. I don't always like mercurial characters. The way they can come across as a villain so easily, but a switch is flipped and suddenly they are the most welcoming and gentle of people. Which is exactly how Circe came across to me in the Odyssey. But this book was delightfully and unexpectedly the opposite. From the beginning it explains who she is, what she thinks, what she feels, and it makes it clear exactly why she behaved the way she did. I enjoyed the descriptive writing style of Miller immensely. I haven't read such poetic world building in quite some time. I plan to read one of her other Greek epics 'The Song of Achilles' for that reason. Every single exchange involving Helios, I was transfixed. He's not the only God/Titan in Circe's story, but he was certainly my favorite. 


The Silmarillion by J.R.R.Tolkien- From ages 18-35 I reread this book once a year. At first because at 17 I'd written a book report on it and my English teacher told me it was so big a book it wasn't surprising I'd missed a few key aspects but encouraged me to reread it when I got older.(I still got a passing grade on that report, though I was mortified as I reread and realized how much I hadn't grasped) The Silmarillion is a vast undertaking of the Elves in Middle Earth from the beginning of their world, their creation and awakening, their travels and exploits and most of all, their struggle against Morgoth and his servants. It's been one of my top favorites since I was 17, I've spent quite a bit of time exploring it and I could talk for hours about the different ages of the world, elven kings and elven genealogies, magic, The Valar, and so on. But my biggest take away from this book is that it is the precursor to all modern fantasy whether movie,TV or books. The genre would not exist to its current prevalence without Tolkien or The Silmarillion.


Beowulf- I can honestly say the first time I read it was in graphic novel form and I was so young I had absolutely no business owning it, but for some reason my guardian let me buy it. I didn't know its history or significance or anything beyond its subject matter. A warrior rescues a king and his people from a grotesque monster. That was all I needed to know. I reread it later, in it's restored format and then the novelization. I can say I like the original translation the best. The graphic novel was good, but it didn't do it justice in terms of the sheer heroism and risk. It's a fantastic story and that is why it's survived in popularity this long. I could go into all the scholarly aspects of it, and the symbolism, the cultural significance...but the truth is in spite of my love of history, I just don't care. The story itself is a rare one, it doesn't need all the trappings modern stories have, what it has is the whole picture of a heroic epic. The hero, the princess, the monster, the peril, the feat itself, victory- everything a  mind needs to enjoy and be moved by a story. This story is perhaps single-handedly responsible for my lifelong joy of combat and warrior codes.


The ENTIRE Kushiel Saga by Jacqueline Carey-  The saga began with Phedre no Delauney de Montreve and is a historical fantasy retelling of both ancient Europe and Jesus Christ who upon his crucifixion bled onto the ground and a divine 'child' sprung forth, known in the story as Elua- and angels who fell from heaven to protect him when he chose to remain on Earth. The story takes place in a country called Terre d'Ange(France) that is populated by the descendants of these fallen angels, their monarch's line directly descended from both these angels, and Elua while most nobility hails from a line of one of the angels who took ownership of a specific provence when they settled in Terre d'Ange. It is a story mixed heavily with (graphic but incredible)sexual escapades, political intrigue, heartbreaking romance and the exploration of philosophical concepts.  It is in a word, beautiful. There's really no words I can find to give it justice that surpass that. I found Carey's writing gorgeous, her characters lovable(even and especially the villains), her world thought provoking and the romance life changing. I, like many of her readers with similar backgrounds of abuse and sexual assault, found her story to be healing in a way none of us expected. It returns dignity to the survivor in the most profound way without, perhaps, even meaning to. It lets the reader reclaim their sexuality and sensuality. I cannot stress how much I loved every book set in this world, and how much I would recommend it to absolutely anyone who enjoys reading fantasy.


Honorable mentions:  Emma by Jane Austen for being clever, funny and enjoyable. A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas for excellent world building, in depth characterizations, dynamic female characters and suspense rich plots. The Sevenwaters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier an Irish fairytale pseudo retelling that is beautiful, moving and sucks the reader in.

 I keep getting called mediocre by people who do less, create less, write less, and in general do more watching and talking than doing...and I just want to say...I never said I was the best at anything. I'm middling to average on just about everything by my estimation. Doesn't mean I'm gonna stop doing what I love or fucking the men I'm attracted to when I actually feel like putting in the effort(I haven't for 4 years now, men are hard to want at present).

Stay hating, bitches. I'm laughing.

 I'm trying. I guess some days the effort is all you can do. Spider got me last night, there's bites all along my back and hip in random spots. Finished my second college course. Been struggling to find my place in a writing group only to remember suddenly that the reason I'd left the site years ago was because it was started and primarily maintained by the ex husband of my ex best friend as well as the 'friend' I cut ties with for doing passive aggressive shit to me on Facebook at that time and laughing with her other friends about it like they were any higher in life than I was. I left because all of those issues together represented a highly toxic environment and yet I somehow forgot and moved on like normal people do, of COURSE they didn't. Feeling pretty stupid over that. Angry too, because I was all hurt and feeling rejected only to remember the people on this site would never see eye to eye with the person who helped a once friend escape a DV situation one of the site owners caused- because no one hears that part of the story. They'd also never see eye to eye with boundaries on passive aggressive behavior because they find passive aggression funny and entertaining...or simply writing...because it doesn't seem to me like many of the people on this site do much of that in the first place.

I'm deciding now if I'm even going to stay. I don't know if I will. In spite of wanting to collaborate, I more so just want to write the stories I have inside me, and I don't really need anyone else's support or collaboration for that.

LOTS of drama from my kid, drama in the house I'm trying to stay out of, banging and loud noises at all hours, I keep hearing the sound of a man talking in the early morning hours(in between 1am and 4am) and I can't figure out where it's coming from even just to know it's a TV would be a comfort after everything we endured at the last house. Been feeling pretty under the weather the last few days, feel like my body is fighting a flu. It's pretty uncomfortable here currently.

 Yesterday was a tough one. I had to lay some big boundaries down with my daughter in regards to uneven treatment. She comes to my door sometimes multiple times in a day and I'm expected to drop everything but in the past three days I was trying to arrange to do a snack grocery trip and do something nice for graduation and could not get her to give me time to discuss without her snapping at me or telling me she wasn't in the mood because of other social issues. I gave her time to celebrate with her friends, time to figure out the other thing but Saturday was the last straw for me. I was too angry to discuss it Saturday, canceled our movie plans because I knew it would be a fight and I'm no longer willing to be alone with her during these times because I've seen how the narrative plays out when it's a her word against mine scenario, so I told her I wasn't able to talk about it and stayed away.

Yesterday she came to my door to discuss it and I told her in no uncertain terms that eighteen was old enough to find a better way to express difficult emotions than throwing them all at our parent. That I hadn't done anything, which she acknowledged, and that I was aware she knew and could control that issue because she certainly doesn't do this to her friends. I also stated that she's old enough to journal or sing or channel her feelings in a different way and I was not willing to be around someone who takes out their anger at any situation whatsoever on me. That hurt. I love my kid and it's hard having to give space when all I desperately wanted as a mother was the relationship with my kids I very much feel like fell apart after my husband died, no matter what I did or how hard I tried to save it. I did counseling, family counseling, support groups, one of my kids attended the same sort of help, and it didn't save our family.

Simply too much happened after my husband died. My daughter yelling at me that I never loved my dead husband nearly every night, her making my son cry on the ride home from school if I didn't let her verbally attack me instead. My daughter starting to drink at school just a few months after, the even worse volatility that followed, the admission that she'd been assaulted by her father, my son taking their father's side and absolutely(and verbally) loathing us both, my daughter's mental health and how public and difficult that was, the community stigmatization that followed all of that- then the stalking, multiple men we didn't know showing up outside our house in the dark, our male neighbors at the new place continually trying to coerce my daughter right after she got out of the mental health facility, our mail being opened, our food deliveries being messed with until we couldn't even door dash anymore, cars getting sabotaged, moving AGAIN only to have people outside our windows at night and trying multiple times to break in, the financial hardship over my utter inability to get passed the initial hire letter stage with multiple job offers...it all added up. This craziness cost me my family. And I'm still dealing with the aftermath. 

As if holding all of that yesterday wasn't enough(and I shed a few tears), last night I heard someone yelling and thought it was some residents kid. I heard a big crash and someone saying 'ow' like they'd hurt themselves and still from the sound of the voice and the crash against the wall thought maybe the residents kid fell. Then I heard the same voice exclaiming 'stop' over and over again. We're in a DV shelter, the chance of it being someone's abuser is pretty relevant..so I went to intervene. I found a resident (who I dislike because she gossips about other residents to the staff and was actively grooming my daughter) yelling at a cat that was following her. It's a stray that hangs out in the area at night, probably because this place has walls high enough it's relatively safe from predators. But it's a gentle animal, never hisses or attacks, just meows LOUD at all hours. But it's so friendly and people seeking I know it's an abandoned pet, no feral cat wants people as much as this one does. It seems like it's still waiting for it's owner sometimes(which is painful to think about any day of the week because we had to re-home our cat to protect it from this exact situation and someone just dumped this one). From the crash I'd heard and the yelling, and the way the cat came running instantly to stand at and rub against my legs, I suspect this resident hurt or tried to hurt this cat. The guilty expression she gave me when I asked if she was okay told me a lot. She acted scared of it, but I heard what happened before she saw me because it was happening outside the room I was sitting in. There was no fear when she first started yelling, only after I came outside. I know what I heard.