Weekend Writing Marathon

 Headache all day. Been trying to push through but not too successfully. I don't think the people here understand what's going on with me and it's clear someone else is filling in the blanks with a less than helpful narrative. I'm not depressed or lazy. I'm not wasting time or doing nothing in my room all the time with my door closed. I'm actually pretty happy all things considered. I'm juggling what I'm juggling in my life with a measure of success. I'm doing quite a lot. But between the allergies and my missed period wreaking havoc on my hormones, I'm often sick to my stomach, have a headache and completely exhausted and resting in between tasks. I'm sure the new narrative on that will be that I'm pregnant when I'm absolutely not. At my age it's more likely perimenopause. 

I'm so irritated with people talking about me and never to me. Not one of them would want that to happen to them, yet they're all perfectly fine doing it to me and don't understand the utter hypocrisy in it. And if I dare point that out, I become the problem. Because mentioning there is a problem absolutely always makes YOU the problem. This is a repeating theme in my life that has driven me to the point of being perfectly fine with being disliked...and highly suspicious whenever I'm not. It's why I draw back so often and avoid groups because people are often more interested in fitting into the group and being liked than how their behavior affects anyone else. And the outliers always tend to be the people who get sacrificed first by the others to perform to the rest of the group. I'd rather not offer myself up for that bullshit anymore. I'll wait for the other outliers like me. I'm patient.

 Got a course-wide message about the university's code of integrity(Plagiarism, Cheating etc..) last night and was concerned only to log in this morning to finish my assignments that are due tomorrow and realize another student has copied me word for word on my assigned discussion post for their reply on another students post. Literally claiming my words as their contribution. I am so weirded out right now. It's all right there in writing. There's no arguing it one way or another. Literally a copy and paste job. 

Why is it always me? I don't want to be involved in this bs. I work hard on my posts and responses to make sure they fit the required model we were given for full credit. And it isn't easy! I'm not naturally good at constructive discussions. I have to WORK at it in a word processor and do revisions and check my grammar because I was out sick for nearly the entire general grammar quarter in middle school English. I missed almost an entire half semester due to overly long periods and resulting migraines. There's a lot I still don't know and it definitely shows when I'm writing. Having someone copy my hard work in a way that's extremely obvious makes me so uncomfortable. Nails on a chalkboard uncomfortable.

 Everything was going fine at the new job until day one of my second week it just wasn't. I came in after two days off and people were extremely cold to me after everything was fine all week. Kept acting like I wasn't pulling my weight even though the night of my last day before that I finished everything I was given AND helped my department coworkers in hanging new signage. I didn't leave until they were on their last signs and I'd taken everything they would give me to help out. My asst. manager told me I did a good job. Then I came in after two days to being treated suddenly like I was a problem. I was early as usual, didn't cause any problems or have any issues I was aware of with my coworkers though I'd been getting the vibe they didn't want a girl in their department. But whatever right? I got hired, I was gonna do my job. Then I came in at 8pm to take my scheduled break, my supervisor mocked me, repeating back my stating I was gonna take my break in a sing-song taunting voice. I just went and took my break. 5 minutes before my break ended, she came in and asked me when I was going to come back on shift. I told her in five minutes. She mocked me again and told me she guessed she'd see me in five minutes. I clocked in as directed in training when my scheduled break ended. Did my shift, then once the store was closed, asked my supervisor if I'd done something wrong. She said no and asked what I meant, I clarified, she said she'd like me to water the front plants before dark and I said I absolutely would. I left for the night feeling uneasy and questioning if I could take this drama after what happened at the prison in addition to employees from the prison continuing to come in.  I came in as scheduled on Sunday, early as usual, and found at some point that day they'd cut my lock off my locker. THey told me I put it on someone else's but that would've meant I'd have had to turn to another locker or taken a step to either side and put my stuff in a locker that didn't have my name in large letters on it. I couldn't disprove what they were saying, maybe I had? So I left it alone, but I was weirded out and in addition to the weirdness of the night before, all my trust for my coworkers was out the window adding to the fact that I now had NO way of securing my purse for the shift in those circumstances. So I went to the manager, told him I couldn't handle the drama after what happened at the prison, and quit.

I don't know what happened. Yet again, I only know that something did happen, and that it was not because of anything I actually did.